Today Now! with Jim Haggerty and Tracy Gill:
– Millions irrationally feared dead after train derails
– Nation concocting increasingly improbable reasons loved ones died in crash
– Family members as far as Alaska, Hawaii now being pictured suffering
– Before crisis is over, entire U.S. population may be believed dead
– Federal Emergency Management Agency urging population to avoid derailment footage, just be rational
– FEMA officials being sent to homes of most hysterical grandparents
– Evening rush hour traffic could double number of spouses feared dead
– FEMA: Train derailment low on list of threats to loved ones’ lives
– Breaking news: Department of Homeland Security warns against national existential crisis
In other news:
– Popular candidate running on conservative family-values, pro-religion, pro-gun, anti-gay platform outed as Islamic terrorist
– Gigantic bowl of fruit makes man want to be the type of person who likes fruit
– Season of Congress halted as legislators scatter over loose change dropped on floor
– Justice Department doesn’t even want to bring it up, but we should really figure out how we’re going to put those Al-Qaeda guys on trial
– Report: Almost no plot on TV makes sense if you remember that the Internet exists
– David Koch’s severed hand regenerates
– Congress votes to permanently bar Newt Gingrich from congressional gym
– Smoking marijuana legalized if it’s with a professor
– Hurricane picked up for hurricane season
– Safeway rolls out new “Safeway DON’T SELECT” brand for rancid products
Coming up:
– How to keep your teens from having risky sex by spreading disgusting rumors about them
Tonight on The Beltway with Lee Decker:
– Are we on time or are we running out of time? We’ll look at the nation’s timetables, don’t miss it.
(Source: The Onion)
